__khAi *
.è Being.
Eilsakhai 'khAi' DruMetal
240389
Create Talents Model
Combat Medic
Percussionist - Drummer
recuperating heartbreak
relish.
smile and beguile
growing old with her
Lamborghini Reventon
.dilemma.
Diena
Wishlist
SAF: serve and fuck off
modelling career
PI
Subaru Impreza WRX STI 2.5
drumset
whole new wardrobe
shirts
shirts: Raoul
pants, jeans, trousers, bermudas, shorts
wallet
shoes
sandals
watch
watch: TagHeuer - Microtimer
belts
belts: tough
eyewear
eyewear: Oakley - Romeo 2.0
ignorance is failure.
Archives
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
July 2007
September 2007
October 2007
January 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
why i cry
Darling,
ever be the lover that you long for,
doing as you would the other do.
each day each second i still love you,
seeding what that makes one - out of two.
such love of being is the canopy,
under which all things above all shall wedded be.
The sacrifice of time and strength,
of preference and good of deeds,
and of help, but love? may calm
the winds and storm that roil the restless sea.
Everything one does, like dust,
transforms be the light in which we all live.
But happiness, my Dear, is not a gift,
It is within one's power to give.
One can only love, and be
A witness to the life that each,
at last must live alone, for
Well or ill beyond a
Diena, i hope there still is the light, in which u brought in not faded but gone. I still do pray for us. Cos i still do fucking Love you.
|| ||
share my life.
take me for what i am.
i was blown away, that u took a away all tat i can do without.
i cant forget. cos i went too deep.
im done but i just cant forget.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
apart that, waiting to grab pics of events. those buggers claim to be too busy to upload them. grrr!!!
breathing still... @ 8:50 PM
___________________________________________
|| so.. ||
*
ps. darling khai, i miss you dearly.
ps. darling khai, i miss you dearly.
how just small arguments bring us apart.
just how powerful pain can be to tear our bond further.
just how weak ur love is now just because of this - the old issue.
i'm waiting for ur call, baby.
waiting for the verdict.
i'm waiting for ur answer, khai.
if i can see - the love - if you're gonna give.
*
*chucks*
again.. yeah.. i do miss her. but.....
i... jus cant believe this shit actually happen to me.
i cant cry tho. but the willingness to triage the heartbreak is crippling.
so hard to stand up whenever this THOUGHT comes to mind.
why it came i dun fucking understand why.
jus so hard to accept "to let go".
because i poured into you.
those words above, they tell me u do dire the affection.
sighs.
and im shaking my head so hard,
thinking:
" why sia? "
lol.. this thing acts like a pop-up window in my head.
*
*chucks*
again.. yeah.. i do miss her. but.....
i... jus cant believe this shit actually happen to me.
i cant cry tho. but the willingness to triage the heartbreak is crippling.
so hard to stand up whenever this THOUGHT comes to mind.
why it came i dun fucking understand why.
jus so hard to accept "to let go".
because i poured into you.
those words above, they tell me u do dire the affection.
sighs.
and im shaking my head so hard,
thinking:
" why sia? "
lol.. this thing acts like a pop-up window in my head.
breathing still... @ 5:59 PM
___________________________________________
|| afterlife. a song ||
i gave u my hand but realise tat u just wanna say goodbye.
i dun understand that u had to leave and carry on from there.
leaving me on my own.
still,
always i thought, give me that chance to be that person i wanna be.
broken, i dun wanna be. but You, God, have to give me that frenetic cadence.
all mauled i am, but i dun wanna be. so this bile that glitch in me shall perpetually vanish.
then i dont wanna belong here, cos im moving on now, dear. escape from this afterlife.
cause this time im right to move on and on, far away from u.
fuck that that im against you but SURELY I'LL MISS YOU.
this place filled with melancholy and malady, peace and light.
still i hope you might,
take me back inside,
when the time is right.
i laugh at the subject that i miss you. when my heart is filled with lies and seduction.
but this morbid episode, i want you to foresee. mayb those recesses in your heart might fill me in again.
haha.
crap sia, khAi.
sometimes u gotta learn that compassionate leads to ur grave.
so, so long, motherfucka!
*sometimes i hope u die, bitch.
he he hee. so, babies... whyy soo serious...?*
crap sia, khAi.
sometimes u gotta learn that compassionate leads to ur grave.
so, so long, motherfucka!
*sometimes i hope u die, bitch.
he he hee. so, babies... whyy soo serious...?*
breathing still... @ 5:33 PM
___________________________________________
|| think the why.. ||
i came to think of why i do think..
and it struck me that sometimes it drives me nuts.
dont understand the part where emotions get involve with the thoughts i have.
in trade, mindless propaganda starts to orbit. now... that's when someone goes from conscious, to haywire.
i dont really agree to what i see these recent times. hating to call it 'the pot calling the kettle black'.
i gave it up, time before and time again. but before it was like.. remorse. but now, probable perpetual vile might occur. scary? no. pretty much disgust in the human mind.
one thing: the undercurrent. the unseen probable uncouth upsetting undercurrent in us. all of us.
no, u dun realise it actually happens. the irony is it creates the disbelief to one's own opinion of virtue. really.. now this is scary. because why? because this is commonly known as the 'true colors' ... yes..
put it this way. one moment u see him/her dying to brush ur hair back trying to make u feel comfortable but the next moment u see him/her swearing back at u because u did something unreliant. see, this is the part where undercurrents may not turn inside out, instead surface as calm currents like u normally see by Marina Bay. *lol!* this intents the accumulation of backstabbing thoughts which usually do occur in young minds like you, maybe me. =P
the one thing i become oblivious to is the pace and time taken for that 'undercurrent' to start pouring out obviously! like maybe haemorrhaging!! and this kinda things can actually happen - from that person next to u! - "ur love, ur heartthrob, ur whatever-mushy-shit-u-wanna-call-it".. *and that tag lights up on ur forehead: 'what?!' *-- yeah.. : scorn. read it back again to understand.
well here.. i dun wanna sound so blabberish. but look at ^yourself^ in "the eyes".. if u really have the emotions and call them names like love - to love, care - to care, sad, happiness, joy, or whatever.. .., then mayb u should start thinking if such poignant emotions is for u to feel from a foreign source.
see.. since that night, i see the repetition of me suing
and thus:
hence: the preempt notoriety amongst fellow peers.
ergo: my own early confusion.
now i sing songs, lyricist to the melodies, instrumenting the scores.
that word 'undercurrent' made a why, seemingly i thought.
and i stool staring back at my silhouette on e floor......
where was i when it mattered. what was i when it mattered. fuck it, bitch. what matters to that mind? so much for believing it, my efforts dont even move a notch; to you? Fuck you. im happy now. with my own. *facades from your undercurrents*
--" gosh__:
--" gosh__:
breathing still... @ 2:23 AM
___________________________________________
|| jewel, a family is ||
still...
maybe this is my fate.
this is the test for me and my family.
it can't be changed.
it's written to happen. all we can do is pray.
looking at my mother, i see the pain in her eyes.
i feel the hurt she's trying to hide from her children.
her sacrifice wasn't appreciated. her sacrifice gone to nothing.
she tried so very hard to hold back the tears.
but she couldn't hide it from me.
i knew, i felt, and her tears began rolling down.
without a sign of remorse.
was it pride or was it arrogance.
making it seem like it was nothing.
just a little appreciation was enough to make it better.
make this misery a blessing for the family.
make a woman feel she's making a difference.
from a boy, to a teenager, now an adult.
i've went through this for 10 years.
i realise, only us can make this stop ourselves.
but when?
-- "quoted..
maybe this is my fate.
this is the test for me and my family.
it can't be changed.
it's written to happen. all we can do is pray.
looking at my mother, i see the pain in her eyes.
i feel the hurt she's trying to hide from her children.
her sacrifice wasn't appreciated. her sacrifice gone to nothing.
she tried so very hard to hold back the tears.
but she couldn't hide it from me.
i knew, i felt, and her tears began rolling down.
without a sign of remorse.
was it pride or was it arrogance.
making it seem like it was nothing.
just a little appreciation was enough to make it better.
make this misery a blessing for the family.
make a woman feel she's making a difference.
from a boy, to a teenager, now an adult.
i've went through this for 10 years.
i realise, only us can make this stop ourselves.
but when?
-- "quoted..
breathing still... @ 3:04 PM
___________________________________________
|| i hit it.. twice! ||
i got away..
going on around to find myself some good. i was alrdy thinking back time and that hey i should let me have me some 'me' time.. saw me: a ride.
boozing. there, drooling.
a scent it came. i hit it, first time. and there we were, hooked.
many what happened. release of fervent angst or sweet affections, or lust.
i spent myself. cos i wont delineate myself weak in recuperation.
evenly i rally to my 'wants'.. and the gambit i play with sly affection.
i may miss you, but i'll kill the keen rue which u remind me of.
still i stray, reeling into the haze i dreamt. *snarls*
and there she was, to my serendipity.
and boy, every kiss blinded to sins of my pasts. *chuckles*
" first time it was funny. the second:
she was crazy.. her pinky drooled her white stuffs. and she liked to laugh. oh!"
*i want it again, please!*
breathing still... @ 5:00 PM
___________________________________________
|| Diena.. ||
" Well all I really wanna do is love you.
A kind much closer than friends use.
But I still can't say it after all we've been through.
And all I really want to do is to feel you. "
And Diena you know..
if u meant tat, for me?
all i wanna do is feel it too..
I still do, baby.
" waiting for e day tat i'll call u, 'Love'.. "
one thought.
if u knew my sacrifices, and appreciate my love,
we'd still be together.
I want a healthy relationship, b..
my last effort was to sign a 10year bond in the SAF.
but i didnt get full approval. and somehow it posed as if im worthless.
tell me, baby, u didnt leave me for nothing, honestly..
pretty much as me n u are maturing, u talked about marriage, something
way far beyond time which we can use to build our home for.
25? 26? 27?
i ORD wen im 21. i failed to assure u wen my bond didnt get full approval, if u realised.
not tat i didnt try, b.. it was my good deed to me. to my family at least. and further: us..
but..... nothing gained :
and i lost my deepest love.
Diena. I love you, if you need to noe.
so deep my love is, i cant bear when u left me hanging jus like tat.
and for wat?...
till the day, i'll call u 'Love' again - till forever.
*hugs and kisses for you, Diena*
breathing still... @ 9:22 AM
___________________________________________